This past weekend we celebrated Davis Day. It was four years ago Saturday that we held our sweet boy in our arms for the first time. On July 21st, I often reflect on the grief our dear boy had that day we picked him up. And while it was a joyous day for us all, it was also a hard day. He lost so much that day and the two years prior. I am so thankful that he is now this happy smiling boy.
On Saturday night as we said our prayers, I said a prayer for his birth mom and for his foster mom. We often pray for them on this day and mother's day, but this year it brought on questions. Not from Davis, but from his sister in the top bunk. With the toughest being the one not yet asked: "Why did Davis's birth mom not keep him?". I have read about answering this question, listened to experts, but still felt ill prepared to say "I don't know". I watched Davis's face for expression, he showed none. He did want to know if he could see his foster brother when we visit China. I told him that I didn't know his name or where he lived so I didn't believe we could find him. I held back the tears at another loss for my son.
So with this weighing on my mind this week, last night we declared it "time to take away the bottle from Gabre night". Yes- she is 19 months old and still goes to sleep with a bottle. And yes, we do let her have this bottle in the crib. And yes we know many think we should have taken it away a long time ago so that her attachment item became us. And we know sleeping with a bottle can cause teeth rot. And for all of you giving us grace for doing the best we can- thank you.
Here's the thing, this girl LOVES her bottle. I mean LOVES. When she doesn't get it, she is like this:
She loves it so much that when we decided to take her off whole milk and change to rice milk Jimmy said, "I think we have nothing to worry about. It is like an alcoholic. You take away his Jim Beam, he can always go to Vodka".
When we first came home we tried to give her a pacifier, a bottle with nothing in it, etc. But she was not having it. So we quickly gave in and settled for the fact it was something we could get rid of later once she was adjusted and bonded to us. Well... adjusted and bonded happened months ago, but then it was just easier and so the bottle remained. But we knew we needed to do something.
Last night Jimmy rocked her with the bottle, and then before putting her down took it away. She cried for a few minutes but then all was silent. I couldn't believe it was going to be that easy. It wasn't. About 10 minutes later, she started to scream. And scream she did for quite a while. So I went in to rock her some more. She calmed right down, did some talking and kept trying to get to sleep. The sad thing is, she just doesn't really know how without that bottle. She would try to suck her fingers a little, but didn't seem to like those. She would stick her tongue out like she was sucking even though nothing was there.
And that was when grief overwhelmed me. At first with a few tears, but then as she fell asleep in my arms I began to sob. Because she had spent the first 9 months of her life with a bottle being the only thing in the night to soothe her. She spent the first 9 months of her life, with no mother to come running when she cried out. She spent the first 9 months of her life mostly in this crib with her bottle & smiling up at anyone coming by to take a picture.
This should not happen. Babies, toddlers, children and youth should not be without their parents. They should not have to feel alone. They should not feel unloved and unwanted. Parents should not have to make this choice because of poverty, limited education, HIV, the unknown of what raising a child with a disablity might bring. And while I cried for my precious children and for what they lost, I felt the presence of Gabre's birth mom in that room. I can't explain it, but I felt it. I thanked her for the incredible gift of her daughter, I apologized that she was not able to raise her, and I promised to do everything in my power to take good care of her. And then I prayed, please God give the 147 million+ orphans in the world a family. Make this brokenness right. You make beautiful things out of the dust. Please, please, please get these children in homes.
And while I know that prayer won't be answered today. I pray and I HOPE that today many children waking up this morning without a mother, won't go to sleep that way tonight.
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| Getting ready for his last swim meet of the season. |
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| First Day of First Grade! |
On Saturday night as we said our prayers, I said a prayer for his birth mom and for his foster mom. We often pray for them on this day and mother's day, but this year it brought on questions. Not from Davis, but from his sister in the top bunk. With the toughest being the one not yet asked: "Why did Davis's birth mom not keep him?". I have read about answering this question, listened to experts, but still felt ill prepared to say "I don't know". I watched Davis's face for expression, he showed none. He did want to know if he could see his foster brother when we visit China. I told him that I didn't know his name or where he lived so I didn't believe we could find him. I held back the tears at another loss for my son.
So with this weighing on my mind this week, last night we declared it "time to take away the bottle from Gabre night". Yes- she is 19 months old and still goes to sleep with a bottle. And yes, we do let her have this bottle in the crib. And yes we know many think we should have taken it away a long time ago so that her attachment item became us. And we know sleeping with a bottle can cause teeth rot. And for all of you giving us grace for doing the best we can- thank you.
Here's the thing, this girl LOVES her bottle. I mean LOVES. When she doesn't get it, she is like this:
When we first came home we tried to give her a pacifier, a bottle with nothing in it, etc. But she was not having it. So we quickly gave in and settled for the fact it was something we could get rid of later once she was adjusted and bonded to us. Well... adjusted and bonded happened months ago, but then it was just easier and so the bottle remained. But we knew we needed to do something.
Last night Jimmy rocked her with the bottle, and then before putting her down took it away. She cried for a few minutes but then all was silent. I couldn't believe it was going to be that easy. It wasn't. About 10 minutes later, she started to scream. And scream she did for quite a while. So I went in to rock her some more. She calmed right down, did some talking and kept trying to get to sleep. The sad thing is, she just doesn't really know how without that bottle. She would try to suck her fingers a little, but didn't seem to like those. She would stick her tongue out like she was sucking even though nothing was there.
And that was when grief overwhelmed me. At first with a few tears, but then as she fell asleep in my arms I began to sob. Because she had spent the first 9 months of her life with a bottle being the only thing in the night to soothe her. She spent the first 9 months of her life, with no mother to come running when she cried out. She spent the first 9 months of her life mostly in this crib with her bottle & smiling up at anyone coming by to take a picture.
And while I know that prayer won't be answered today. I pray and I HOPE that today many children waking up this morning without a mother, won't go to sleep that way tonight.
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