If...

A few weeks ago during an advent sermon at 519 church our pastor, Owen Barrow, talked about the problem when we live our lives with the ever present thought, "If only...., then I would be happy". "If only I could buy that other house." "If only my kids would sleep through the night." "If only I made more money." This if statement leads to fleeting happiness when it comes true, or desperation if it never does.

Just a few days before I had read a blog post by Donald Miller on the Most Powerful Question, "What if?". And the most amazing thing about this post were the comments. The dreams that people had that were more about loving others and improving lives, than any kind of 'if only' dream for happiness.

Over the past two years, I have picked a word or phrase at the start of the year that I hope will focus me towards loving well. Two years ago, I picked Be Still in hopes to become more present to the moment, the only place where I will find God and the Spirit. Last year my word was Ubuntu, an African Philosophy celebrating how we are all connected. As I reflect over this last year, the words were both guiding principles to me.

For 2014, I am asking myself the question, "What if?"

"What if I yelled at the kids less?"

"What if we take that next step as a family?"

"What if I ran a 5K?"

"What if I did some form of quiet time and/or yoga everyday?"

"What if I spent less to give more?"

"What if I am grateful especially in the mundane?"

"What if I wrote a little bit of something from my heart everyday, even if just a kind note to family or friends?" 

"What if I sought beauty in others before judging?"

These are not 'if only' questions as I know my Joy doesn't depend on them, but 'what if' we all tried to make the world a little better each day by loving those around us and ourselves?

Got a 'what if' question, or a word for 2014? I would love to hear them. 

The Peace of the Cricket

I woke to the sound of crickets.  It was one of those perfect fall nights, cool enough to sleep with the windows open. Did the crickets wake me or something else?

I remember thinking: I know so little about the cricket. Do they make noise all the time? Why? Can they sleep and make noise at the same time? Do they take turns- some sleep, some chirp? How do they ‘do’ life’? In packs? In herds? By themselves unless it is mating season? They are SO loud.

But as I began to write about them in the early hours of dawn, it was hard to hear them.

I am writing some this month for our church's advent blog. You can read the rest of this post along with some other great ones on this week's theme Expect Peace here: 

Crickets: An Advent Prayer

 I woke to the sound of crickets.  It was one of those perfect fall nights, cool enough to sleep with the windows open. Did the crickets wake me or something else?

I know so little about the cricket. Do they make noise all the time? Why? Can they sleep and make noise at the same time? Do they take turns- some sleep, some chirp? How do they 'do' life? In packs? In herds? By themselves unless it is mating season?

But now as I write in the early hours of dawn, it is hard to hear them. The early morning sounds, the first birds, a train, cars on a distant highway and the rumblings of the first child awake, are drowning out the crickets that were so loud only a few hours ago.

Maybe that is why I often feel so connected to God in the night, even in my dreams.

Maybe God’s presence is like the crickets' song- always there, but sometimes I allow life's little things, to drown out the sound of him. 

Thank you crickets for this simple reminder. I hope to use your music to remind me the spirit is always with me. 

Dear Santa: It's not you, it's me

Dear Santa,

I know your mailbox is going to be flooded soon with wish lists of all kinds, so I thought I would get this to you before Thanksgiving. This kind of letter is never easy so I will just put it out there.  We are breaking up. And trust me when I say, It's not you, it's me. Well...it's a little bit you.

The orgin of you is the beautiful story of St. Nicolas: a man who used his whole inheritance to assist the needy, the sick, and the suffering. But now you have become the picture of consumerism that my family is trying so desperately to fight against. The fight is hard and your jolly self doesn't make it easier.

This great blogger, Jen Hatmaker, you know...the one that broke up with you a few years ago, explains it so well here that there is no need to rehash all of that. I say ditto.

"Can we be just friends", you ask. Last year we tried that and it just really didn't work out. Your pull on little children is just so strong. They can't get the real point of Christmas if we keep you around.

In case others who may read this are wondering what that means for us this holiday season, the following are some ways we are doing Christmas differently this year:

• We are telling the children that there is no Santa. This won't be very hard as Sarah Bess was so afraid of you the first year she was old enough to 'get it' (age 4) that she cried half the night and has doubted your existence ever since. Gabre is too young to even know the difference. Davis- he is the tough one, but not because he loves You so much. He just loves gifts. We will be gentle. 

  

  He can rock some Santa PJ's.
  
  

* For our friends now considering banning your children from ours so they don't spoil your Christmas- know we are also telling them that this is not something to discuss with others and all families make Christmas special in a way that works for them.
*For anyone feeling sorry for my children, no need- there will be plenty of joy and celebration this Christmas and even gifts from their generous and kind grandparents, aunts and uncles- just no Santa.  

• We are making this holiday about family. Our kids can deal with this Santa blow because we are changing it up. We will wake on Christmas morning to clues about a surprise trip that we will take together. So if you are reading this thinking of the money Jimmy and I will save this Christmas, you would be wrong. But it will not be about 'stuff' but about 'us'.

• We are making Christmas about giving and not receiving. We will once again do our advent calendar with an opportunity for our family to serve everyday. In addition we will share the story of St. Nicholas and how he gave. And with the great suggestion in Jen's blog, our children will receive money from us this year that they get to spend on others. 

• And last, but certainly not least, we are giving this holiday back to Jesus. And not just the baby Jesus- but the whole Christmas story and what it represents. The story that God's Kingdom of love and peace can reign here on Earth...and the joy that we get glimpses of it everyday. Now that is something to celebrate. 

Love,

Hannah and Jimmy 

P.S. Santa, we don't want this to be on bad terms. Please know we will remember the good times we had with fondness... 

Unwanted Beautiful Noise

I don't know if I should call this a 'guest' blog since his name is on the url...but Jimmy wrote this one and I just had to share. 

I just got back from a Pilgrimage to Haiti with eight people from the Apex UMC Family of Faith communities.  It was a trip that I went into not knowing what to expect.  We visited five different orphanages, each with different purposes.  One focused on infant through toddlers.  Two focused on Boys ages 10 to 21.  One had kid’s infant to eighteen.  The final one had people of all ages with various degrees of mental and physical disabilities.  The name of this orphanage is Wings of Hope.  This may be one of the most appropriately named organizations ever.  The stigma hanging over the physically and mentally disabled in Haiti is large.  Many Haitians with children with disabilities will give them up because of the stigma and the cost of raising a child with disabilities.  Wings of Hope gives these people the love and support they deserve.

Our first morning at Wings we went to the morning worship they hold every morning before school starts.  It was a combination of readings and singing.  Watching these people worship is a very moving experience.  There was one problem.  The first song started and one of the boys in a wheelchair started screaming.  I thought it was an involuntary noise he was making.  I also thought it was so unfortunate that he was disturbing such a beautiful worship service.  Then there was another reading followed by another song, and he did it again, right on cue it seemed.  I had the same thought again, what a shame.  I noticed right at the beginning of the third song he began yelling again.  I then realized he was not trying to “ruin” the church service.  I realized he was singing the best and only way he knew.  He was not worried about what everyone sitting around him was thinking about his singing like I do at church.  He was worshiping with a reckless abandon that should be celebrated and not something to be ashamed.   In the end, I believe a lot can be learned from this young man screaming in church.

Hold On

Disclaimer: The following story was only a dream. I say this so my mom won’t panic as she begins to read- either over the living with us part or the part with the gun. We won’t ask her which would scare her more.

We are living in an apartment. All 7 of us it seems- Jimmy, me, the kids and my parents. I am running late for work.

Sarah Bess: “Mom will you help me with this?”

Me: “Hold on, I need to make my lunch. I am late.”

I grab some leftovers from the fridge, have already forgotten the request for help and I am out in the parking lot where my friend and co-worker, Lillian, is waiting for me. I open the door and realize I left my lunch on the counter.

 “Hold on. I forgot my lunch", I say to Lillian.

I try to dash back inside unnoticed, but now Gabre is up. And she is wet.

Gabre: “Change me mama. I wet.”

Me: “Hold on. I am late. Let Sudie do it.”

Gabre: “No! Mama do it!”  Where is Jimmy, I think in exasperation.

I have to go, I look to my mom who takes her away screaming.

“Bye” I scream as I dash out the door to no one in particular.

I hop back into the car. But now there is a man in the back seat.

Lillian: “Hannah, this is Michael. We are going to drive him to the bank.” She says this so calmly but her look is off. And then I see it. Michael has a gun. He looks at it and then looks at me. He wants to make sure I see it.

I will spare you the rest of the details as they seem to get crazier as dreams do. We go to the bank. We all get out money. Michael does so without using the gun- evidently this robber has an ATM card. Eventually Lillian’s husband and Jimmy are at the bank with us, although I have no idea how they knew to come. I end up thinking, Jimmy is here. Always right when I need him.  

When my alarm woke me in the middle of this dream, I was not scared. Not of the situation, not of Michael, not of his gun. I actually wanted to go back to the dream. I wanted to know more about this Michael.

As I started the shower trying to shake off the fuzz of sleep, I felt I should stay with this dream. Why did I feel peaceful about being with Michael and anxiety about being with my family, running late? And even before I could finish asking myself the question, I knew the answer. With Michael, I was fully present. I surely wasn't telling him to ‘hold on’. It became a brief observation that morning…

Fast forward over the next few days and I have heard myself say ‘hold on’ one hundred billion times. To my children. To my husband. To my co-workers. To myself. To God. Sometimes out loud. Sometimes silently to myself. Often in my choices and actions. There is always something to get done- clothes to fold, dishes to wash, homework to painstakingly complete.  

Why am I making those that matter most ‘hold on’ for me to check off my list?

So my prayer is to change how I use that phrase. Now I want to hear myself say,

“Hold on email, a co-worker needs to share a concern.”

“Hold on dishes, Gabre wants to play outside.”

“Hold on facebook, I am going to talk to my husband after putting the kids down.”

“Hold on work, I am going to write.”

“Hold on world, God has different plans for me today.”

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday we said goodbye to Ivanna as she left for the drive to DC. Today she will board an airplane and head back to Ukraine.

"I wonder if we will ever see her again?", Jimmy asked through his tears. I had no answer.

Yesterday was hard. The emotions brought out the worst in all of us. I was thankful for Tuesday night. Pizza as requested by Ivanna and a game of bowling. We gave her a photo book and all shed a few tears as we remembered her time here.

I have learned a lot about myself the past six weeks. Not all of it has been good. There were days I felt very selfish with my time. There were days that the anxiety over the future was too much. There was the reminder of how I desire to control my life. And the reminder that I have no control and this desire is the cause of much suffering.

But I have learned that I can love a stranger. I have learned that I am blessed to be able to love and mother my three littles. Each day there is a choice. To Control or To Listen? I don't always make the right choice. But the blessing is always great when I do.

As Jimmy and I talked over wine on the porch, we hoped that she felt the love we had for her. And I think his simple words say it best, "I am glad we did it."

The Good, The Bad & The Beautiful: 5 Things about Ivanna

Pause with me for a second and imagine this. Picture your family as it is now. Then place a stranger in your house to live with your family. Then imagine that stranger is a vulnerable teenager with a difficult past. Now imagine- you don't speak the same language.

Now write about all you are processing. I keep writing posts in my head but then they change so much by the next day.

Most of my posts are a combination of stories about Ivanna and the desire to share what I am learning about myself. Today I feel a strong urge to share about this girl who has been part of our family now for three weeks and will be with us for another three. I continue to be so very unsure of her future. But I continue to also be reminded that it is not for me to determine. And that while I can't seem to help myself, it is also not for me to worry about. Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.

All I can do is share with others and let God do the rest.

Ivanna is brave. 

She has participated in many firsts in her short three weeks here: ridden a go-cart, a jet ski, multiple water slides and a tube. And she has spent a total of 10 hours and counting in a dentist chair.

Ivanna's favorite English word is "Why?"

Ivanna is not a big fan of being asked to do something. I think this is a bit teenager behavior and a bit asking her to do things that vary from her norm. These include: going to bed, changing clothes, taking a shower and going to VBS. We often here "why?" in an exasperated tone of voice followed by lengthy Ukrainian that we are probably glad we can't understand. 

Ivanna is funny. 

Ivanna has a great sense of humor. She loves to tease and joke. She smiles and laughs often. And what a beautiful smile she has! Some of the humor that requires no language (you know the gross body sound type of humor), I don't find that funny- but she is a regular riot to the kids.

Ivanna likes to wear the same clothes everyday and is not a big fan of the shower. 

Enough said.

Ivanna's eyes are windows to the soul. 

Ivanna has the most beautiful eyes. They are often covered by the bangs that are too long in her face, but when you brush them back and really look into her eyes- there is such beauty. She has experienced much pain in her 14 years.  But her eyes still contain that spark of joy, excitement and wonder that all children should have. 

Ivanna is a beautiful child of God. I'm not sure she knows it. I'm not sure she has had the consistent selfless love in her life to prove it. Please pray with me for her future. In a little over a year, she will age out of the orphanage. Please pray for a family that can love her unconditionally and care for her needs...be it here in the US or Ukraine. And if you feel led, share this with others that might join us in our prayer.

Want more information: email me at hannaheskridge@gmail.com 

Here She Comes

As I sit in my cozy red chair in the corner of my kitchen which has become my favorite indoor quiet spot, Inna is sitting in a crowded chair in an unfamiliar spot on an airplane.

As I am feeling anxious about her arrival, Inna must be feeling trepidation at the unknowns of the next six weeks.

As we make last minute preparations to make sure her room is just right and we have food that she might eat, Inna may be sleeping, reading or watching a movie. Both of us just trying to occupy ourselves away from our thoughts.

As we lay our heads on our pillow tonight, mine here at home, hers in a hotel in DC, sleep may not come.

Tomorrow we will meet for the first time.

She will not know how many people have been involved in her being here- those that shared her story with us for the first time; those that selflessly raised the money for her trip; those that donated money, furniture, clothes and various other items; and those that installed doors and moved furniture.

She will not know of the love already beginning to grow in our hearts and our desires to see great things happen in her life.

Here she comes.



"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

Mother Teresa

 

The Good Stuff



We have some good friends that were introduced to us by some other friends a couple of years ago. We all go to the same church and live about 5 minutes from each other. While the love of God is a nice thing to share with friends, we have something else. Something HUGE...the love of Gamecock football! We began a Saturday ritual during football season of getting together to watch the game, eat fantastic food, and drink a few beers.

But there are some things we don't have in common. Mainly two...they are WAY younger than us. By 'way", I mean when we met they were both in their 20's. Which I think just shows how cool Jimmy and I are. (Taylor Swift was referring to us and meant to say "I'm looking 22.") And secondly, they are still enjoying life as a couple without kids. As in, they just went to Italy. Together. With no one else.

Over the past few years they have seen our family grow and some of their friends begin to have children as well. They are in that annoying stage where people ask you "So, when are you guys going to have kids." As if we have a right to know the intricacies of someone else's family planning. But they are often around all the stories of our kids. And by stories I mean bitching. You know...the girls night where we talk about how we don't get any sleep, Davis colored with Sharpie all over (well, fill in the blank), and we are so glad school is out b/c we will have a few weeks without having to pack all those lunches.

I was apologizing to my friend Sunday for one such night of too much kid talk, and she laughed and said something like, "I'm just not becoming convinced of why people have kids. Everyone I am around makes it sound horrible." Ouch. How true is that? I told her that I would start to make a point of telling her The Good Stuff.

I could go in many different directions from this one conversation... How we as parents need this time to commiserate together so we know we are not alone in the daily job of raising healthy kids. How being a parent teaches you even more about loving Jesus than any other experience I have had. How parenting requires a love where many days you give much more than you receive.

But instead I want to share the story I shared Sunday with my friend. Not for anyone other than for me. I want to remember these stories. I am thankful to my friend for the reminder to celebrate them. So occasionally, I am going to take the time to write them down here and title them The Good Stuff.

 

 

The Good Stuff: Da Life

Saturday night brought SB's first slumber party. She and 3 sweet friends had a great time of bowling, painting, making homemade whip cream and being movie stars in their very own iMovie trailer. They actually slept until 7:30 on Sunday. As Jimmy and I were lying there listening to them begin to whisper and talk in their tent, Gabre woke up crying. She generally wakes up very happy, so I went right in and got her and brought her back in the bed with us. She laid on me snuggling for a good 10 minutes. I rubbed her back, she rubbed my arm. Jimmy tried to talk to her a couple of times, but she just wasn't ready. Then with her head  still down on my chest she said something I couldn't make out. I said, "What?" She said it again, "Da Life". Jimmy her interpreter said, "The life."
When our family is really enjoying something/ some time together we will say, "This is the life." G was sharing how lying in bed on a Sunday morning with her parents in her eyes is "Da Life.".

And that my friends is some of Da Good Stuff.

 

Guest Post: Your Money and Mine

Today's guest post comes to us from Sarah Bess. If you read, Clutter Bowl, you know that she has a private blog. She loves to write... From little notes to us around the house, to letters, to gratitude in her journal. I know I am biased as her mom, but I thought this post was quite insightful for a 7 year old. I am proud of her big heart and generosity so I thought I would share. (editor's note. I did go ahead and hook you guys up with the correct spelling. If I hadn't, you would have had to be a first grade teacher to decipher).

By Sarah Bess

This blog post is about money. Let’s say your best friend’s parents don’t have enough money to pay for food. What if at lunch she/he doesn’t have any food? Here’s another example: what if you really want to help them?  But you have 100 dollars and you were going to buy an American girl doll? You did a lot of chores to earn the money.

THINK ABOUT THAT!

Are you already giving money?

Next time you earn money, do NOT use it for yard sales, toys, clothes, Lego's, movies. Do you agree? I do.                                



'Supermarket Sweep' to get food for a school backpack program we support called Nourishing Noggins.  

The Day

Last week we celebrated "Gabre Day". For those of you not familiar with the adoption world, there are lots of different terms to celebrate aspects of becoming a family through adoption. When a child enters your family born from your belly, their birthday marks that special day they entered your life. When your child enters your family born from your heart, it is very likely you may not have been there for their birth.

Gabre day is the day that we first met our sweet daughter in Ethiopia. The day we first looked into her eyes. First held her. First smelled her. First said those words we had desperately been longing for her heart to hear.  It is not the day she officially became a part of our family, which happened weeks later when we passed court. Or the day that she first lived with us, which happened months later when we took her for the first time out of the orphanage and to our first home together, a hotel in Ethiopia. Or even the day that our family of five was united together for the first time at the airport.

Gabre Day did not come with balloons. Or presents. Or songs. Gabre day came with pause and reflection. For me it is a day of joy and sadness. Sadness for all she has lost. Sadness because she spent months, both before this day and after this day lying in her crib. Sadness because there are children all over this world that lie in these cribs at this very moment. Waiting. Waiting for a family. Waiting to be loved.

But, oh the Joy. This girl is ours! This girl that brightens every room she enters. This girl that brings comments from strangers like, "I could just eat her. She is so sweet.". This girl that keeps us laughing with her growing language that includes "Suitcases" for her bathing suit and "Damn it" because she might overhear that a bit too much. This girl that now instead of spending most of the day in her crib, gets to spend the weekend at the lake...or at the beach...or at the pool....you get the idea, the girl LOVES the water!

Don't judge the hair. She had been boating.

July 10th marks a new day for our family. We will be hosting a 14 year old girl from an orphanage in the Ukraine for 6 weeks. Hosting was not something we were looking for, but here it is. And here is ALL we know about Inna. She is shy, calm and polite. She is in the 8th grade. She has a hearing loss and wears one hearing aid.  She likes to dance. Her favorite animals are horses, cats and dogs. She likes to eat meat and buckwheat porridge. She likes to watch soap operas and kid movies. She likes to do embroidery and work with bibs. Her favorite color is violet.

I know nothing about 14 year old girls. I know nothing about buckwheat porridge. I do not know Russian or Ukrainan. And she does not know English. I do not know embroidery. Sewing a button is an accomplishment. And bibs? I do know what they are, but have not the slightest notion of how one 'works with them'.

But I do know that research indicates that in the Ukraine, 10-15% of children who age out of an orphanage  commit suicide before age 18. 60% of the girls are lured into prostitution. 70% of the boys become hardened criminals.

So what is the future for Inna? I do not know that either. At times, that thought overwhelms me. But then I remind myself of The Day. Each day is different. But each day is fresh. Each Day that she is with us is A day we can show her she is loved. That she is treasured.  I love what Beth Guckenberger from Back2Back Ministries says about this,

 "Our family is like a big tree, and some people come here and rest for a season in it's shade and some for a meal and some for years. We are just going to love and live and share with whomever God brings to us."

Adoption, fostering, hosting may never be part of your life or the life of your family. But this Day is. Everyday is. And I wonder, who needs to rest in your shade? 

The Clutter Bowl

The Bowl

I have a daily battle with clutter. It's really not my fault, I grew up in a clutter free home. My dad dislikes clutter even more than I do. You wouldn't know I have this battle if you came to my house. You would assume that I waved the white flag long ago. There are the shoes that never seem to make it to the right place, the laundry that just keeps multiplying, and the legos. Oh, the legos.

Sarah Bess has a book where you imitate people's voices or animal noises. For Mommy, she says "Go clean up!" every time. How about "I love you". I say that too, right?

One of my sanity tips to handle the 'stuff' is to have a clutter bowl...or basket, or box located in several places in the house. I pile things in and then when it is overflowing, I try to clean it out and get things where they belong.


Sometimes, my  mind feels like my clutter bowl. Thoughts that I just don't have time to deal with at the moment, get shoved in my head until later. I have found writing to be the best way to 'clear my bowl'. And usually those thoughts come out organized together in some way. The past week or so they just seem to stay jumbled. But my bowl is full, so forgive me but I am going to write about them all at once. There are more questions than answers here friends.

The Speaker

A few weeks ago, Jimmy and I went to see Jen Hatmaker. It was AWESOME. I think I overuse that word- but really, it was. Many of these thoughts feel connected in some way back to those two days.

The Church Sign

OK. This has been bugging me for awhile. What is the purpose of the church sign that preaches to us from those little black letters? I pass one everyday on the way to and from work. And I just don't get it. Who is their audience? What is their goal? Today's message, "A clear concience makes for a soft pillow." Ok- thank you church sign person for that. I can not recall a single time where one of these signs conveyed a message of love. A message of, you are a child of God and He loves you. SB is the queen of signs- the spelling might be off, but I'm thinking these folks should hire her. Let's not condemn her because she once wrote on her own private blog, "My daddy is a cock." She meant 'cook' people. She meant 'cook'. And there's the fact that she actually gets that God is all about love.

Perhaps my all time favorite church sign one Thanksgiving:



Say What?!



The Deal

We are so obsessed with cheaper and faster. I don't know if this is a conversation men have often, but if you are a woman it always goes something like this. Woman 1: "I love that sweater." Woman 2: "Thank you, I got it on double clearance. Only 4 dollars."

We love 'the deal' and feel we have won something by getting it cheap. The stores are making a killing on this concept. How often do we say, "I went shopping and saved $40 on 5 dresses". No you didn't. You spent $70. And while we bought it cheap, what did someone else pay?

Please don't misunderstand me here as judging! Just this week I bought a $4 pair of flip flops for Davis at Target. I'm pretty sure the materials and the labor on that are not fair trade.

But I wonder, when should we be asking different questions. What were the working conditions of the person that made this? How much did they get paid? Were they a child? If I change my purchase habits, would it even make a difference?

The Neighbor
Jesus said, Love God. Love your neighbor. Seems like pretty simple stuff. Seems like really good stuff. If this is our message, why are people in America fleeing from churches by the masses even though we are making our churches 'attractional' aka 'cool' with awesome music and coffee shops?
Could it be that the message is clear, but yet we aren't? That we spend more time bickering over discussing who is our neigbor, than loving them. Personally I tend to be better at loving those far away than my actual next door neighbors. Maybe you are awesome at helping your elderly neignbor mow the grass, but  you struggle to think of the poor in Africa as your neighbor. Maybe you help your elderly neighbor mow the grass AND sponsor orphans in Africa, but you struggle to see that the troubled teen that is Muslim is also who Jesus meant as our neighbor. Regardless of your definition, what if we just loved the people that came into our lives on a daily basis. Just that.

And what if today we said, yes. Just that. I will love the people in my life. What does that even mean? What do we even do? Maybe it means we are open to listen for the need? Maybe we could just live our lives like the chorus to this Christa Wells song, "You've Got a Home",

Here's a key to my front door.

Got a pillow if you lost yours.

You got a seat at my table.

You got a home.

Here's somebody who believes you.

The truth reminds you

You always got a place to go to.

You got a home.

Playing House

Do you ever feel like you are watching your life? Sometimes it almost feels as if I am playing house.

My kids don't play 'house' as much as I used to, but they love to play princess, a game that they have named 'butterfly camp" and occasionally "great wolf lodge".



SB is generally the play ring leader. Maybe she doesn't choose 'house' because her version of that would look like this fairy tale she wrote yesterday:

"Once Upon a time in a far and not fair city there lived a mean Queen. She was very very mean. {I think we can all see where this is going}

She told her 2 daughters Gabre and Sarah Bess and her son Davis to clean the house all day long. The queen's name was Hannah and the King was mean to. He was always telling Sarah Bess, Gabre and Davis to mop the house, clean the dish's, and clean out the car. The children were always tired of cleaning. They had no time to play with their dolls or their Legos or friends. They did not like this. The poor children were always tried tired tired of cleaning. Until one day, they finished all their chores and they all started to play and lived happily ever after. The end!"

But I digress. Back to this idea of 'playing house'...why do we as the tribe called Mothers feel the need to judge how our sisters are performing this role? Why have we all decided that our way to play is ALWAYS right?  I have been both on the receiving end and the giving end of this parental judgement. So today I am writing both to myself and to my sisters in motherhood:

Dear Fellow Mothers,

Today I write you a peace treaty. Today I am going to jump off of this train called motherhood judgement. If you want to jump with me, I will hold your hand.

Today I will stop wearing my parenting choices like a badge. Because it does not matter if I had a c-section, natural birth, or was drugged out of my mind. It does not matter if my baby sleeps with me every night or if I let them cry it out at 3 months old. It does not matter if my toddler eats all homemade organic food or has a diet consisting of pasta. It does not matter if I work full-time or if I am a stay at home mom. It does not matter if my child plays 3 sports or still hasn't tried any. It does not matter if my child makes straight A's or tries his best to make C's. Ultimately, It just does not matter.

Today I will recognize that we judge each other out of fear and not meanness. We all feel a bit like we are 'playing house' and we have no idea what we are doing. So we consider all the options, and we talk with our spouses and our girlfriends and our mothers, and we try to make the right decision for our child. And after we do this, we fear greatly that we might be doing it wrong. So in order to feel better, we declare our way the only way and therefore your way must be wrong.

Today I will not blow your candle out to make mine grow brighter. I will honor your choices. Because I know that you are doing the best you can. I know you will mess up every day, just as I will. But just like me, you know what does matter. It does matter that we show our children our love, that we give them room to make mistakes and grace when they do, and that we teach them to be kind to others.

Today I will listen when you share your story. I will not tell you how to 'fix' it, because let's be honest, I don't know. I will cry with you when your children are struggling and I will laugh with you when they succeed. I will pray with you when you don't know how to help them and I will rejoice with you when you see redemption in their lives.

Because dear mother, you are enough. I am enough. And together we can be great.

From Out of the Spin Cycle: A Devotion for Mothers

By Jen Hatmaker

It's time for us moms to declare a truce

Regardless if we buy Capri Sun or 100 percent juice.

My way is not your way, and your way isn't mine

But both of our kids will turn out just fine.



A Case of the To Do's

I'm not sure when it started, but for at least a couple of decades now, I have been writing to do lists. I govern my time each day by what is on those lists. I have used color coded lists, graphs, pages divided into sections...work, home, church. In recent years I have added a 'to do' app on my phone. I even leave lists for Jimmy. I LOVE to cross things off of my list. Sometimes I forget to write something on my list. But when I do it, I remember it should have been on my list, so I put it on there- just to cross it off. I often think of my list even when it is not with me. This list occupies my thoughts probably more than any other one thing during my day. I often wake in the night thinking about the damn list.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the lists themselves. Having goals to work towards each day is good. In our hectic lives, they help us manage the day to day necessities.

But I am here to confess my list problem. For one, I am hording lists. That's right. I have almost every work 'to do' list since 2002 stashed in this folder.

Now I have to go onto your "She is crazy" list.

But the hoarding is not the biggest problem. Neither is the anxiety I create by thinking about my list. My biggest problem is my feeling of self-worth based on these lists alone. At the end of the day, if my list is too long and there were too many things left not crossed off, I judge myself.

So today I declare a war with my list. Not to get rid of it. But to get rid of it's control over me. If Gabre's name on her social security card doesn't get changed until next week, next month or really next year- all will be fine. If I forget again tomorrow to send in the money for teacher appreciation week, the PTA will take it the next day. If the minutes from last weeks meeting don't get emailed out today, no one else will even notice.

I have had this love of lists for a long time. I know that it will be a daily battle. But, I also plan to follow a new list. A list written by Macrina Widerkehr in Seven Sacred Pauses: Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day. This list won't change from day to day. I will never cross anything off, because they will never be 'done'. But I believe this list will make me a more peaceful person. A more loving person- both towards others and myself. So take that "To Do's".

My New To Do List

Awaken in me...

A tolerance for those who don't agree with me.

A refusal to judge others.

A willingness to forgive.

A greater effort to live with a non-violent heart.

Loving thoughts toward those who don't exactly dote on me.

A calm and hopeful spirit in the midst of my anxieties.

A discipline in my daily personal prayer.

Attention and faithfulness in my daily work.

A holy anger for injustice in our world.







She Has Shown Great Love

Many of you know the story: Jesus is dining at one of the Pharisees house. And a woman in the city, "who was a sinner", stood behind Jesus at his feet, weeping, and began to bathe his feet in ointment. As those in the room begin to judge this woman and Jesus in the process, Jesus says, "She has shown great love."

I am struck by those words. I desire to live my life with that one statement in mind, "She has shown great love." I suppose that is why I have always been struck by these words by Mother Teresa:

I have been trying the prayer practice of the Examen. This gives me an opportunity to look for God's presence in my day. I can show gratitude for all the blessings and moments where God was present. (For information on how to pray the Examen, you can click here.) It also gives me an opportunity to look for times in my day when I needed grace, when I did not show great love. And there are so many...I judged this person by looks alone, I was gossiping with my co-workers, I barked at my children because they interrupted me scrolling through my facebook news feed...

But then there are the glimpses of love...I washed the dishes left in the sink at work, a friend wrote me a sweet note, I witnessed a mother see her baby hear for the first time. Great love- it comes sometimes in the big things, but more often in the small.

So today I begin a new practice. In my morning quiet time, I will picture those I most likely will come in contact with during the day. I will begin to put energy toward showing them love even before I see them for the first time. I know I will still need much grace. But I also hope that at the end of the day, I can smile remembering the times that I have shown great love.

 





Let Me Tell You Why I Suck as a Parent

I don't know why my brain is thinking in movie quotes these days. But yesterday was a rough day for me as a parent and I just couldn't stop hearing this line and this scene from Tommy Boy.

You may think this post will be to share some story about my bad parenting- like Gabre getting an airplane bottle out of the freezer, drinking it, leading to an ER trip last Saturday. I have plenty of those. But this story is about grace. And how we forget sometimes when we talk about forgiveness that often the person we need to forgive is ourselves. It's about the need for all of us parents to give ourselves grace.

Parenting is so damn hard. Some days it is harder than others. Yesterday was one of those days. What I realize is I am an OK parent when I do it with Jimmy. He recognizes when I am about to lose it, and rescues me (rescues the kids?) by giving me some time alone. All you single parents out there, my hat is off to you. You are impressive.

Jimmy taking the kids to see the boats at the beach...one of those rescue times.

Yesterday Jimmy was sick and so I was on my own. I said some bad things. I gave some mean looks. You could say, I was not at the top of my parenting game.

I think one of the hardest things for me as a parent is all the noise. Noise from my kids comes in different ways:The constant talking; the constant need for something- water, to be held, to play; the arguing; the toys...

Then there is the 'noise' I create. This comes in form of my 'to do' list. I will play with you when I finish___. I can help you with that after I am done____. I was going to read with you, but you kept interrupting my ____ with your arguing so now there is no time.

In addition to the noise, there is the comparing. Why must I compare myself to other mom's? To the mom whose daughter always looks so cute from her hair to her outfit. To the mom on facebook who got the best picture of her kids playing together outside in the sun yesterday. To the mom with the 'it won't be like this for long, so I'm just enjoying every moment' attitude. 

And to think I would go as far as to write about this. There are BIGGER problems out there.  But I can't help but think I'm not the only one. And that maybe there is another mom (or dad) out there today that needs to hear these words I read last night from the book, "More or Less" by Jeff Shinabarger:

"I am me. And because no other person can be me, I am good enough. You be you. And because no other person can be you, you are good enough. We are better than enough".

Today I am thankful for the beauty of a new day. Thankful to recognize that I need grace. That I do need help in parenting. I will make mistakes. I will have other days like yesterday. But, I am good enough...and so are you. 

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

"Get busy living, or get busy dying"

Andy Dufresne

Seriously, who does not love the movie Shawshank Redemption? And do we not make this choice...whether or not to fully live...in small ways each day?

I have realized that I can often fall into the following cycle: read/see/hear something that makes me angry /bitch to Jimmy/ do nothing.  A few months later I read/see/hear the same thing or something similar/I become angry/ bitch to Jimmy/ do nothing.

So in order to get busy living- I can either stop getting angry or I can do something. I'm going with option number two because I'm not sure option number one is possible for me.

The past week I have been frustrated in relation to the consumeristic nature that we in the developed world live by.  Please note the 'we'. I am in no way excluding myself from this category.

An example of something that initaties this cycle for me: the ridiculous amount of coverage on the Carnival Fantasy.

Side Bar: Our family is on a media fast, so officially I shouldn't have even known about this. But, media fasting is harder than anticipated. And for Valentine's Day Jimmy and I just wanted to relax on the couch with our wine after getting the kids to bed and check out something on TV (you call it pathetic, I call it life with three kids). Back to the point...

Please don't get me wrong. I am sure that those five days on that ship were bad. Horrible in fact.  But no one died. One dear passenger tried to give those listening some perspective,  "I always had water. My belly was full. So that was a blessing".

5000 children die each day from dehydration. Each Day. Millions don't have access to something to eat. Many children don't go to school because they walk for miles to get water for their family. Dirty water. Water that brings disease. CNN- how about covering that and getting people motivated to do something?

So we at the Eskridge house will "Get busy living" by helping others have the things we take for granted everyday- WATER and FOOD. We felt there was no better time than Lent to spend time prayerfully looking for ways we could give a little extra to others. And with the blessing of a tax refund on the way, we have some funds to do it.

“In a world filled with clutter, noise, and hustle, Lent is a good excuse to step back and rethink how we think and live. In a world of instant gratification, it’s a chance to practice delayed gratification – to fast – so that we can truly appreciate the blessings we have."

Shane Claiborne

We would love to see some others join us. Have a refund coming to you? Want to give something extra for Lent? What injustice is bothering you today? What can you do about it? Not sure? We hope to have others join us in two of the projects we will be doing during Lent:

1. Food for Orphans:
Many of you are aware of the Project Hopeful FIG Awassa program Jimmy and I are involved with. 8 of the orphans in that program are not yet sponsored. Because the orphanage no longer receives support from outside sources, they need funds to supply food for the children that are not sponsored. $100 will cover food for one child for 6 months. So our goal for the 40 days of lent: $800. Let's help all 8 kids have food for the next six months while we pray for sponsors to step forward.
The link to give: FIG Awassa Food (Put FOOD in the message line)

2. Coffee to Water
Many of us have come to depend on our morning cup (or 3) of coffee. I estimate our family spends around $25 a month on coffee. So our goal by May 19th is to ask people to donate what they would normally spend each month on coffee to Charity Water and bring clean water to those without it. $1000 will provide 10 families with clean water. Charity water gives 100% of it's publicly raised dollars to its water projects. To give to our water project, follow this link Coffee to Water.

I will update on how each project is going. Thank you for considering giving. No gift is too small.

"If you can't feed 100 people, just feed one."

Mother Teresa

A Sibling Group of One

Most of the time, I am thrilled to talk about adoption. I have become closer to God through this process than anything else in my life so how can I not share that? But sometimes I don't want to answer that perfectly innocent question from a stranger,  "You have kids, how old?"  Me, "I have 3- 2 six year olds and a 2 year old". Stranger, "Wow, twins". Sometimes, I just want to smile and nod, but it's not in me so there comes the story- in varying amounts of detail.

Sarah Bess and Davis have been together since they were 2 years old. We have a weird birth order thing because we had Sarah Bess, then when she was two we adopted Davis, who is a month older than her. (This is counseled against in the adoption world, but we didn't really 'plan' it this way. And I would tell anyone that asked that it has been great for our family).

The two of them have such an awesome brother-sister relationship. They love, play and fight on a daily basis.

When we decided to adopt Gabre, knowing that she was 4 years younger than them and that their bond was quite strong, I always thought she would be a little left out.
Then there was today. I am sick. And I spent most of the day in the bed. What smacked me over the head is that, it is no longer the two and the one...she is now part of their herd. They play together. They laugh together. And yes, they fight together. They are each their own being and they are one. And it brings me great joy. They are one.

And it reminded me of my 2013 one word that I never posted about. In 2012, my one word (that turned out to be two) was Be Still.  To learn about this concept you can read one word.

My word for 2013: 

As I struggled over the words to explain this African philosophy, I went back to do some reading and decided I could never explain it as well as Desmond Tutu.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu offered this regarding Ubuntu in 1999:

A person with Ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, based from a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed.

 

Open. Available. Affirming. Non-threatened. Belongs.

Tutu went on to say in 2008:

One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human. Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can't exist as a human being in isolation. It speaks about our interconnectedness. You can't be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality – Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity. We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World. When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.

 

Doesn't this want to make you shout "Ubuntu" from the hill tops...what hill tops, I don't know, but just shout it!

Let's stop dividing ourselves. By race. By country. By religion. You are no better than me, I am no better than you because we are one. 

I just finished this AWESOME book, Little Princes: One Man's Promise to Bring Home the Lost Children of Nepal by Conor Grennan (thanks Paige!). During the course of saving these children, Conor turns to God. He eventually goes out to buy a Bible and he asks his friend running the children's home, who is Buddist, what he thinks about him buying the bible. His friend answers, "I know you were doing the right thing for you. We both saw that light, I think. We just saw different things in the light." Connor goes on to write, "I liked that idea. I also liked that both of us were completely convinced that what we had seen was the truth, and we could speak about it so openly with each other. Under this one roof, we had a Buddhist, a Christian, and two dozen little Hindus. And we couldn't be happier."

We can't exist in isolation. What I do affects the whole world. What you do affects the whole world.  Do I spend extra on fair trade coffee to know it wasn't produced by child slaves? Do I give the extra $100 when I see the need? Do I stop cleaning the kitchen when one of my kids really has something to show me?

So in 2013, I will focus on this word. I will pray and listen on this world. And I will hope that more of us see our interconnectedness. That more will know, that we are one.


 

And When He Sat Down

Most of the world's major religions place significant value on the virtue of Humility: 

According to the all knowing Wikipedia:

In Christianity, humility is defined as  "A quality by which a person considering his own defects has a humble opinion of himself and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God's sake."
In Hinduism, to get in touch with your true self (God), one has to kill the ego.
In Buddhism, humility is the equivalent to a concern of how to be liberated from the sufferings of life and the vexations of the human mind. The ultimate aim is to achieve a state of enlightenment through meditation and other spiritual practices.


So why is it so hard for me to be humble? Why do I strive to always put myself out there as more important than someone else? Why do I stand tall in hopes that someone else will appear smaller?

I am trying something new this year- memorizing scripture. I am really, really bad at memorizing. Sarah Bess and I are in a mother-daughter bible study, and she teases me at how I can never remember the chapter or verse numbers.

But I saw a post on facebook about memorizing the Sermon on the Mount. Not all at once, but actually taking the entire year to read, study, and meditate over this beautiful piece of scripture. It seems to me, if ever there was something for me to memorize, this would be it. So this Saturday, I began with week 1.

"Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him." Matthew 5:1 

I have read the Sermon on the Mount numerous times. In fact, my grandfather wrote a book full of sermons he based on the Beatitudes which I used for the title of this blog and the first post, "Blessed are Ye". But I have never paid attention to the beginning. The significance of this first line. Until Saturday, when I was blown away by it...when he sat down.

Jesus did not climb the mountain to stand tall over his disciples and 'tell it like it is'. He went there and sat Down. Then they came to him. I guess my mental picture has been him delivering the sermon this way:


But in reality it was more like:




Oh how grateful I am for Matthew 5:1. Reminding me of humility. Reminding me how to posture myself in the everyday. Not standing tall 'over' others. But sitting together. Sharing, living, loving.

 

A Theory on Space

One of my favorite parts about Vietnam was the time I got to spend with our group from the US: Jane, Rob, Elizabeth, Paige and Lillian. We shared stories, passions, and life for two weeks.

I love how meeting new people and learning about their lives can come into play in my own life later.

Rob is a mathematician and shared an interesting theory on the Vietnamese and their perspective of space based both on their driving and their swimming. Rob is a competitive swimmer and spent several hours a day swimming while we were doing our work. And in the US, we swim in our own lanes like this:

And we drive in our own lanes like this:

But in Vietnam, there is no sense of staying in ones lane- not for driving, and not for swimming.

And Rob has a theory on this. Here we think of our path as a lane. We know the space we currently occupy and the space ahead of us and we think of it as ours. We move forward in life when we know exactly where we are going.

But in Vietnam they only occupy the space they are currently in. Not what is ahead or behind. Therefore all space is up for grabs and so you just move forward. There is no seeing the complete path directly ahead.

And this morning, I read this:

"Apart from me, there is no God." Isaiah 45:5

I keep learning more and more about the only opportunity to experience God is in the now. God is only present to me in the current moment. The one I have now. And when I choose not to be in that moment, I choose to be apart from God. When I worry over mistakes of the past, or hold anger towards those that have hurt me, or think continuously of my life as a list of 'to dos', I choose to miss the beauty in front of me. When I don't take the next step forward, because I can't see the whole path, I choose fear instead of hope. When I focus on my lane ahead, neglecting the space I currently occupy, I miss God.

So while it makes driving and swimming difficult for those of us preferring everyone to stay in their own lane, I think there is something to learn from this theory on the Vietnamese concept of space. Let us honor the space we currently occupy. Let us live in this moment. And let us experience in the Now all the joy, hope and love that is God.