A Case of the To Do's

I'm not sure when it started, but for at least a couple of decades now, I have been writing to do lists. I govern my time each day by what is on those lists. I have used color coded lists, graphs, pages divided into sections...work, home, church. In recent years I have added a 'to do' app on my phone. I even leave lists for Jimmy. I LOVE to cross things off of my list. Sometimes I forget to write something on my list. But when I do it, I remember it should have been on my list, so I put it on there- just to cross it off. I often think of my list even when it is not with me. This list occupies my thoughts probably more than any other one thing during my day. I often wake in the night thinking about the damn list.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the lists themselves. Having goals to work towards each day is good. In our hectic lives, they help us manage the day to day necessities.

But I am here to confess my list problem. For one, I am hording lists. That's right. I have almost every work 'to do' list since 2002 stashed in this folder.

Now I have to go onto your "She is crazy" list.

But the hoarding is not the biggest problem. Neither is the anxiety I create by thinking about my list. My biggest problem is my feeling of self-worth based on these lists alone. At the end of the day, if my list is too long and there were too many things left not crossed off, I judge myself.

So today I declare a war with my list. Not to get rid of it. But to get rid of it's control over me. If Gabre's name on her social security card doesn't get changed until next week, next month or really next year- all will be fine. If I forget again tomorrow to send in the money for teacher appreciation week, the PTA will take it the next day. If the minutes from last weeks meeting don't get emailed out today, no one else will even notice.

I have had this love of lists for a long time. I know that it will be a daily battle. But, I also plan to follow a new list. A list written by Macrina Widerkehr in Seven Sacred Pauses: Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day. This list won't change from day to day. I will never cross anything off, because they will never be 'done'. But I believe this list will make me a more peaceful person. A more loving person- both towards others and myself. So take that "To Do's".

My New To Do List

Awaken in me...

A tolerance for those who don't agree with me.

A refusal to judge others.

A willingness to forgive.

A greater effort to live with a non-violent heart.

Loving thoughts toward those who don't exactly dote on me.

A calm and hopeful spirit in the midst of my anxieties.

A discipline in my daily personal prayer.

Attention and faithfulness in my daily work.

A holy anger for injustice in our world.