Getting Rid of "Or"

Although he is now a boy of 7 with much more time here with us than the two years he spent without us, those two years-the ones he can’t consciously remember- continue to impact what he thinks about the world. What he thinks about himself.

Several days after an experience that showed me he still struggles to trust at times, I try to probe a bit more on how he was feeling. There were many layers there, but one we peeled away was this…he wasn't sure it was OK to cry. This unknown does not apply to falling down or scary dreams…we have seen those tears plenty of times. But the tears he is unsure about? These are tears of sadness, of fear or of failure.

I tried to reassure him. I gave examples of others in our family that cry. His Daddy. He seemed not to believe that although he has been a witness to this act numerous times. His mom. “Only for happy things”, he says. And then I realized, he had created an ‘either…or’. Either you could be loved or be vulnerable. 

I do this too. I am full of ‘either…or’ statements.

I am either successful, or I am a failure.

It was either a good day, or a bad one.

I am either pretty, or I’m not.

I am either right, or I’m wrong.

It’s either your truth, or mine.

These either…or statements do not bring joy. They do not bring unity. And they do not bring peace. I want to look at life, at others, and at myself with a lens of ‘both…and’. 

Richard Rohr describes this kind of thinking as “our ability to read reality in a way that is not judgmental, in a way that is not exclusionary of the part that we don’t understand. When you don’t split everything up according to what you like and what you don’t like, you leave the moment open, you let it be what it is in itself, and you let it speak to you”.

I am both successful, and I am a failure.

It was both a good day, and a bad one.

I am both pretty, and I’m not.

I am both right, and I’m wrong.

It’s both your truth, and mine.

This means boys can be strong while crying. This means the moment can be both good and bad. That I can be both right and wrong. That both our truths can be true. So today, I am trying to throw out the ‘or’. 

What ‘either…or’ in your life is causing suffering? How can you make it a ‘both…and’?

P.S. I am claiming the right to keep this word for my children .”You either XXXX, or you lose screen time.” This works for me folks so it is staying. Both…and, right?