“If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, I fit in.” Brené Brown
Dear Belonging,
I have confused you with fitting in for so long. As I look
around, it seems many of us do.
But fitting in no longer feels right. I am good at it. I
know how. As an Enneagram 3, when I read these words from Brené Brown’s newest
book, Braving the Wilderness, I feel them at my core, “I became an expert fitter in, a chameleon.
And a very lonely stranger to myself.”
But fitting in to belonging is like Hellman’s to Duke’s. It
might make you feel better about yourself, but it is just not the real thing.
Fitting in pretends you have found community; belonging is like your warmest
comforter on the coldest night.
Sitting on the porch surrounded by friends can be a lonely
place to be when you don’t fit in. It leaves you with the recognition that what
is still there is the need to belong- whether you are fitting in or not. And
you see it in others…this fitting in when the desire of our heart is to belong.
According to Brene’s research, “belonging is sharing our experience (with
another) through song and story, through prayer and dance”.
When I don’t fit in, I can choose to see that or I can
choose to be real to my story. Instead of withdrawing, I can look around- who
else is pretending? Where are we missing someone’s beautiful song? How can I
encourage them to dance?
I can say, I’m sorry
I didn’t notice your suffering; I was too busy focusing on mine. All around me
I saw happy people, fitting in with the group, and all my focus was on how left
out I felt.
It was only later when you shared with me that you had been
struggling too, could I see it more clearly. The way we pretend, smile, laugh,
just as everyone else is- fitting in rather than belonging.
I wish I could say I always choose you belonging. I think
almost the opposite is true, but I am learning.
When we held hands and jumped in together- belonging.
When we sat together in quiet prayer- belonging.
When we shared a meal and brought our authentic selves- belonging.
When we laughed and cried sharing our stories- belonging.
I am grateful I know you. I release the masks I wear to fit
in and affirm that love is found in belonging- may I choose it for myself,
notice the suffering of others wrongly hopping they can find community by fitting
in and always invite them to the field where you live.
Love,
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